It seems like everytime we enter a new level of schooling, there's always a new chic thing that we are required to do. In elementary school, it was purchasing a sexy new Sonic the Hedgehog lunchbox. In middle school, it was ensuring that part of one's belt was hanging down at least nine inches below the wasteline. In high school, it was having sex and at least pretending that you were doing drugs.
In college, it was becoming a liberal.
Parading around like a hippie, excusing terrible behavior with moral relativism, and spouting out these ridiculous self-righteous platitudes about "supposedly" disadvantaged groups somehow became the cool thing to do upon entering college. New freshmen, oblivious to how to behave or what kind of personality to adopt, somehow decide to become idealist brooding liberals. Oh, and did I mention a requisite clueless fawning over B. Hussein Obama? It must be his drug use, provocation of white guilt, and his anti-"garlic-nosed Italians" pastor that the kids find cool these days. Cause who likes Italians anyway? Take a ride on Alitalia and you'll never want to see another Italian again - trust me.
Anyway, I'm here to say that the liberal monopoly on "cool" can end. How, you ask? Well, by exploiting assets that Republicans inherently have that can be spun into incredibly cool and incredibly sexy forms.
Liberals foster a culture of community and dependency, where stereotypically you have losers in government homes wasting away and feeding off welfare checks, robbing hardworking people who want to buy a jet ski, a BMW, and a sweet ass little condo in Tahoe. Conservatives are champions of economic freedom and independence - the ideal of the hardworking individual rising up and working hard in the marketplace. I believe they call it "Dirty Sexy Money" over at ABC - money is sexy and everybody knows it.
Also, it's just not cool to think of fat ugly wasteful usurping bureaucrats sitting in a bland goverment office robbing wealthy people from sexy Southern California who would rather spend their hard earned money on cool things like Hummers, fake boobs, and tanning salons which we can relish on hip modern shows like The Real Housewives of Orange County. Phew, that was a long sentence. Liberals love their fat bureaucrats that can't be fired despite severe incompetence. They love to waste our money with bloated inefficient government programs that foster dependency and worsen motivation for "disadvantaged" groups to be successful in a modern marketplace.
And we sure as hell all know that conservatives are much more attractive than liberals (in general, and we all know that that drug addicted psychopath Kirsten Dunst is gaunt and ugly; so is her Prius). Why is it that at Berkeley, severe liberals seem to be these gross gaunt complaining smoking tattooed emo chicks and these pathetic skinny odd looking whiny guys who robotically recite regurgitated lines about imperialism and the oppressed? I get bored by these nutcases in our trees. Whining about Iraq was so totally last year. Apparently now it's all about bailing out a bunch of idiots who don't understand the dynamic nature of the real estate market and want others to take responsibility for their impudent decisions.
And as for severely under-educated Hollywood actors glorifying liberalism by spewing these ridiculous inane comments that rival the Berkeley population in their stupidity, they're totally uncool. Also, what credibility does Hollywood have when half of it is in rehab and have marriages that last about as long as Rosie O'Donnell's bowel cycle. Does Kiki Dunst understand complex market theory? I don't think so. Kiki understands that the economy should work in a fashion where we tax rich people so much - to give back to the poor, of course - that the poor become equalized with the rich. Kiki, of course, fails to understand that if you force rich people to live like everybody else, they - um - kind of have no incentive to become rich in the first place. Then, without reward, nobody's rich, we get no innovation, and there's no money to redistribute to the poor because nobody's incentivized to innovate and output.
Younger, flashier, and edgier conservatives like me are parting with the stuffy religious right while still appreciating a slight glaze of moral values; there's nothing more grotesque and unclassy than an unbehaved demoralized liberal in its drug laden habitat. To highlight, the very sexy, rich, etiquette-laden, and edgy Heidi Montag has recently endorsed John McCain. In contrast, uneducated barbarians like Roseanne and Kanye West are endorsing Hillary Clinton and B. Hussein Obama, respectively.
And finally, Republicans kick the bad people's asses (get it done baby) while pussy liberals retreat behind Michael "Double Quarter Pounder" Moore and his silly misinformed glossy selectively edited movies. We are the America "300" - conservatives will not retreat against filthy radical deranged terrorists. We prefer to save those 53 million people and restore their freedoms from Xerxes - oh I mean Saddam and Osama Bin Laden. We are proud, strong, and shining at the top of a hill. And no, we don't need a bunch of weak secular humanists in the UN telling us what to do.
Might I also mention that the anti-military/Iraq film Stop-Loss was an absolute bust at the box office. Apparently a movie that explores defying one's duty to the US Military is - what Democrats? - quite unpopular! Who would have thought that any film that loaded with beefcake guys like Ryan Philippe could do so badly? In The Valley of Elah, Lions for Lambs, and that other anti-American movie with Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal (that apparently no one knows about) have also bombed very heavily at the box office. In contrast, Mel Gibson's The Patriot made about $115M at the box office and his Passion of the Christ made bank upwards of $300M.
And finally, the environment. These smelly "green" hippies, who ironically smoke and pollute the direct environment around them, are totally uncool. They're gross, and no one wants to be around them. The more sophisticated brand name douche of environmental liberalism, Al Gore, is boring and fat (also insane and alarmist). And need I mention the Prius and those who drive it? I think not.
Conservatives are amazing. We are "the party of the rich", we're glossy, we're cool, we have values, we hate hippies, we hate people that hate the US, and we're totally on Team Heidi. Liberals simply can't beat that!
