If Keith Olbermann knew me, he would no doubt label me the "worst person in the world". Unfortunately for Keith, he actually is the worst person in the world.
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Mickey Dee's Please
1. One of the most important things in my life is food and drink. I'm extremely anal about going out to eat once a day and having at least two free refills. I refuse to frequent restaurants without free refills...except Gypsy's - for your delicious calzones I'll make an exception.
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Aunt Pay Is Famous
2. My Aunt Pay is famous via being written about in Shirley MacLaine's "The Camino: A Journey of the Spirit", which takes place in Spain. In the book she touches upon my Aunt Pay's lifelong affair with a wealthy Spanish banker named Carlos who ridicules her for her large makeup cases, diva-ish behavior, and taking buses during what was supposed to be a spiritual camino.
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Delta is My Drug of Choice
3. For the first 23 years of my life I traveled free on PanAm/Delta. It was a boatload of fun, and so far, I've been to all six inhabited continents and 30 countries (if I shamelessly include Vatican City). I've been to several countries twice - and Spain, France, Argentina, and Japan three times or more. My first trip was to New York to visit Aunt Pay when I was two and internationally to Nice when I was five or so. My last new country was actually the global crown jewel I'd for some odd reason waited years for - London. Up next on my to do list are: Peru, South Africa, Thailand, India, and maybe some Northern Australia (with a stop in Melbourne of course to visit Berkeley's favorite Australian).
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All Alone in Salt Lake City
4. When I was younger, I got in a fight with my dad in Minneapolis and he promised he'd leave me behind if I got bumped on our 1 stop flight to Los Angeles via Salt Lake City (he went as a paid passenger). So during the stop some gentlemen showed up with a boarding card for my seat. I had a huge panic attack and the flight attendant escorted me in tears to the gate agent to figure out what was going on. It turns out they had upgraded me to First Class. Nevertheless, I didn't go on a plane for a year and a half after that.
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Flirting at McDonald's
5. I'm not above groveling for a very large cone at McDonalds. I will flirt, lean on the counter, and bat my eyes to get a very large cone or a very full sundae. I don't care who I have to do it with either - girls or boys, fat or skinny. But my day will be ruined if I don't get an adequate cone or sundae.
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The Hour Shower
6. I take obscenely long showers, so long that both my parents request that I take them at the other's house to avoid a doubling of their water bill. My Scottish-Jew father (who is not really either of those elements) even made vicious attempts to install a water-saving showerhead filled with little pebbles to prohibit adequate water flow.
7. I wear my emotions on my face through wild expressions. When something tastes shitty I can't hide it. When I find something morbidly distasteful I can't hide it. When I'm pissed I can't hide it. When I'm sad I can't hide it. When I'm happy to see someone I can't hide it (and no, get your mind out of the gutter). By the way, thanks for the lovely picture Anna.
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May I Have a Diet Coke with...
8. My drink of choice is 85% diet coke mixed with 15% regular coke, with the cup about 70% filled with ice. A little rum if I'm feeling frisky. If any of this is not followed my day will be ruined.
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Ice Habits
9. I consume extreme amounts of ice per day and per session. Some people regard this as nothing short of a miracle, as it would send a normal person to the hospital with a severe case of brain freeze. It's apparently a genetic thing on my dad's side, as my dad, granddad, sister, aunts, and cousins all chew ice. People have accused me of chewing ice because I'm sexually frustrated - so firstly, I'm not sexually frustrated, and secondly, I must have been a pretty sexually frustrated four year old.
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Prude by Day, Bitch by Night
10. I have different attitudes and feelings at different times of the day. Early in the day I feel more realistic, down-to-earth, and linearly productive; and later in the day I feel more saucy, naughty, provocative, innovative, and just all around better.
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"Excuse Me? Seriously. What's happening?"
11. My life is made steady by predictable things. Just small things that I love so much. Like calling Rachael on the phone and hearing a loud "merf"! Or John complaining about being hungry. Or Carlos going "excuse me" or "seriously" or "what's happening". Or Chola's loud screams. There are a million more that I've learned not to share so they're kept special for myself, but these are some obvious ones.
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Mary Rose Is a Smart Ass
12. My sister Mary Rose, who unfortunately has turned 14, is getting fresh and being a teenagerish/smart ass. I don't like it at all.
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That's An Outrage
13. I'm sanitized to everything, so I get a kick out of inflammatory things that anger certain groups. Especially groups filled with self-righteous white people who need to stop worrying about other people's business. When NOW or the NAACP or anything else with an acronym is outraged, it's pretty sweet.
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"I'm a Jokester"
14. Please see the photo above.
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Give Me a Big Mac and I'm Good
15. Some people think I'm a spoiled snob, but the truth of the matter is that I can live very simply and easily. I don't need things and I don't find much pleasure in buying just for the sake of buying. Although take me to Brookstone or Staples and I can do some damage there.
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Center-Right to Hard-Right
16. I grew up with my mom on the hard right and my dad on the libertarian free market hard-right. I've chosen to adopt my dad's "economic libertarian free market" principles and acquired my own ideas on social centrism. My dad also went to Berkeley and like me resisted the vulgar dominating hard-left elements of the 1960's.
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Win A Date With Johnnie Cochran
17. My mom has met so many celebrities over the years it would make TMZ jealous. I've pretty much only seen celebrities on the plane and stuff, but one of my greatest celebrity accomplishments was meeting Johnnie Cochran on a flight from New York to LA on Delta (way back in the day), and amusing him with my pitch to sue the Coca-Cola corporation for making kids fat.
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"My Parents Are Larger Than Life"
18. My dad worked on the Apollo project, has a patent, was an amateur race car driver, and has been nearly killed about seven times. My mom has been to over one hundred countries and has met countless celebrities, diplomats, presidents, and her personal favorite, Jackie Kennedy.
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Yeah, Sure
19. I'm super happy-go-lucky. I find joy in a lot of stuff.
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"Matt Drudge"
20. I'm obsessed with the Drudge Report. I think I bought my i-Phone just so I could check Drudge every fifteen minutes.
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Jay From Korea
21. At Carden (my elementary school) we had a Korean foreign exchange student named Jay to whom we taught a grand series of profanities, most notably "boobs", which he pronounced "boofs".
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Militant Facebook User
22. The very first facebook groups I joined were "Americans Embarrassed by Americans Embarrassed by America", "Berkeley College Republicans", and "Racist, Sexist, and Generally Insensitive".
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"But It's The Scientific Name!"
23. My Aunt Pay insists on calling black people "negroes" (because she never left the 60's) and my mom insists on calling black waitresses "Barack Obama" (because she finds it funny). My Dad insists on using scientific terms, no matter how politically outdated they are, because he is a scientist. In trying to figure out why I have a big rebel streak, I look to the fact that in high school my mom decided to start the "El Club Comunista Sovietica" and lock nuns out of the classroom and jump out of the window.
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Mrs. Krueger's Singular Tastes For Classical Music
24. One of my favorite memories from high school was when my Chemistry teacher Mrs. Krueger sent a girl named Avideh out of the room in order to concoct a plan involving taping her without her knowing at cheer practice along to the track "Tiny Dancer" (and Mrs. Krueger's own rendition of Tiny Dancer with hand as fake microphone followed). While we're on the subject, going back to #11, Mrs. Krueger use to always play this one classical track during labs. It got very repetitive, but I loved it. I will never forget the track nor Mrs. Krueger's Chemistry labs as long as I live.
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Why This Note is Here
25. In Senior English, my English teacher Mrs. Hein encouraged us to develop our writing in different and creative ways. If not for that I don't know if I would have enjoyed playing around with the craft as much, or at all. And I passed the AP Exam to boot, so double whammy! Thanks Mrs. Hein.
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I'm Goin' To Hell
26. I have a few things I need to go to confession for. Life ain't easy.
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Sexy On the Outside, Nerd on the Inside
27. Okay, maybe "sexy" took it a little to far. Okay, a lot too far. But the point is that I'm a huge nerd on the inside, without looking like a dweeb on the outside. And I think that's the perfect way to be, because if I remember anything Mrs. Krueger ever said, it's that "nerds always make the best husbands". And I'm feeling a lot more confident than I did a few years ago, which is good going into this tough stage of my life when everything isn't as laid out and simple as I'd like it to be. I'm still tripping over myself on occasion, and the "double foot clap" incident does not count, thank you very much.
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Baby Blue Eyes
28. Apparently my blue eyes were a severe anomaly, as it would require that someone on my mom's side of the family have blue eyes, which is not the case as far as I know. My grandfather and perhaps great grandparents reportedly had "green eyes", but apparently green does not equal blue.
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Those People Are Old!
29. My mom had me when she was 44 years old. And my dad has frankly stated that if her amniocentesis showed I had any birth defects or syndromes (common for that age), they were going to abort me. Anyway, on the old topic, my oldest aunt is 73 and my youngest aunt (half aunt via my grandfather) is 27. My oldest cousin is 48 and my youngest is 21 (plus a bunch of half-cousin toddlers running around).
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Dimmer Switches Please!
30. I've extremely oversensitive to light. Intense or even semi-intense light to normal light just beats at my brain and I can't stand it. My last year roommates, who were my first ever, can probably attest to my anal preference for turning lights off and using my dimly watted desk light, mostly in an ensconced fashion. People are always weirded out finding me in the dark.
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New Friends I Have This Year
31. I was very lucky I decided to do the dorms last year because I met some really great people who I'm still pretty close to now, and we all know I don't make friends too easily. Anyway, as a result of those friends I've made a few other new friends, most specifically Babs and Alex, who I've both grown to appreciate immensely. The interesting part is that without these connector friends we would have never become friends in the first place because we all kind of roll in different things. Babs and I have this strange chemistry and we get along really well, and Alex is funny, quirky, inflammatory, and really chill - we're pretty different but I like him a lot. There are a couple friends I wish I had been more in touch with this year, but hopefully time and circumstance will change that.
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Favorite Clothes
32. I love to wear "Staff Shirt" (a simple deep blue Cal Polo that I feel at home in), "Metrosexoulis" (my edgy metrosexual t-shirt), "Santiago Chile Jeans" (these great jeans that I bought in Santiago that are significant because they are a size 31 equivalent in US men's jeans, which satisfies my anorexic tendencies), "Ennis" (a kind of wool/denim rancher jacket much akin to the one worn by Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain), "Australia Sweater" (this great zip up sweater that I bought in Sydney and fell in love with), "Bulge Shorts" (no comment, but thanks Josh), and "Cal Beanie" (my warm beanie that covers my ears and makes me feel cozy and protected, even on a warm day). In fact, as I write here on this cold rainy day, I'm predictably wearing Staff Shirt, Ennis, Cal Beanie, and Santiago Chile Jeans. In general however, I generally like dark blue colors, not cause I like the hippies at Cal or the Democratic Party or anything. It's just kinda deep yet low key, like me.
___________Metrosexuality
33. If I pieced together different elements of my five most masculine guy friends, I would no doubt be able to craft an extremely metrosexual guy. The point being that I don't feel bad about being metrosexual in some ways, whether it be tight edgy clothes or specific grooming habits/manscaping, and I don't feel like less of a guy because of it. Let's not pretend that chicks don't like a little maintenance. And my metrosexuality often occurs on a non-constant basis, where some days I'll wear a non-tight sweater and sweatpants with no metrosexual grooming - or grooming whatsoever, period. I'd say some of my most masculine friends privately admit to some specific grooming habits or vain metrosexual obsessions - it's just not to be said out loud. But everyone knows it goes on.
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Eyebrows
34. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not alter my eyebrows in any shape, fashion, or form. I know I sound even more guilty after that metrosexual spiel, but I swear my eyebrows are naturally exquisite. Seriously.
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Tragedy
35. In early 1985, my 76 year old grandfather and his 4 year old daughter Suyapa were boarding a bus bound for the airport to deliver Suyapa to my parents in the United States, free from her abusive and drug-addicted 22 year old mother and full of a sense of opportunity. Likely as a result of his concern that my mom would not accept Suyapa, he keeled over, had a heart attack, and died square in front of 4 year old Suyapa as they were boarding the bus. Needless to say, she has not made it to America. She is one of my grandfather's nine children, ranging from 73 to 27 amongst five different wives.
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A Lasting Effect
I don't think that a lot of people - whether they be relatives, good friends, or hour long acquaintances - realize the incredible impact they have upon my life in very large and positive ways. Isn't that really the focal point of our lives as social beings? When somebody is down, I wish I could tell them that they've made one life better and outline all the ways they've made mine brighter without realizing it.
God bless.
