The "Spare Any Change" Homeless and Berkeley's Rampant Idiocy

Apr 1 2007

When you look at Berkeley skeletally as a city, it's really not too bad...kind of pretty actually. Unfortunately, the people who live in it, uh, live in it.

I'd have a nice walk down Shattuck if I wasn't bombarded every five seconds with, "Can you spare any change?" or walk by all those crazy rastafarian guttersnipes. I can't even use the word "spare" anymore in normal conversation now thanks to those fetid homeless people.

People - please stop giving to the homeless, especially you, you damn old white haired ultra liberal ladies. You just foster their behavior and cause more homeless to pollute the city. And to you Berkeley city government - you are the biggest problem! Giving the homeless lockers, money, centers, programs, a $8M/year budget, and food will not incentivize them to quit their homeless lifestyle (which a lot actually choose) when they can live it up as "homeless", much to the misfortunate of businesses and citizens who have to endure your European tax rates.

Anyway, here are the staples of the Berkeley Homeless Community I always encounter:

Angry "Dollar for the Bus" Woman

Looks pretty normal. Always standing at the Shattuck & Durant stop. She'll calculatingly approach you and ask for "a dollar for the bus" even though she does not nor will ever have any intention of going on the bus. Once you refuse her, she'll mutter some obscenities under her breath and angrily move onto the next person to whom she'll immediately cheer up for. She'll never realize that she's asked you multiple times over the years, and should realize that no one's going to give her change after she performed her mumble-cuss the first time.

Stupid Rastafarian White Middle Class Hippy

Oh God - they're the worst. These losers are strung out (pun intended) somewhere along Shattuck near Center Street. They're just white middle class potheads who thanks to Berkeley decided capitalism is evil, their parents are totalitarian regressives, and drugs are the way to enlightenment - the essence of Berkeley's inane socialist S-P agenda. As if that wasn't bad enough, they have the effrontery to admit that they want money for drugs...well, some just flat out ask for drugs. Absolutely awful.

Most of the more normal homeless people are generally cheap looking rastas who share the aforementioned philosophies and are more than capable of working with a little cleanup.

I've decided I'm going to take a cup around with me and actually preempt these bastards with an obnoxious "Can you spare any change?" before they are able to get to me.

Super Oversmoked Lady

This old lady has ostensibly had her brain and body just fried by drugs - she looks like a vulture. Her face is wrinkled and has a snarl permanently installed. To add insult to injury, she's usually puffing away at a cigarette whenever she has the balls to ask for change.

Mr. Outside Baja Fresh Breathing Machine

This is the fat black guy with the breathing machine who usually peddles outside Baja Fresh. He always seems very aware and pretty articulate, and knows how to work those puppy eyes to his benefit.

I didn't mind him as much as the other homeless until I found him lounging on the two front disabled seats on the 51 bus talking on a cellphone. What the hell is that? You have the audacity to peddle me for change while you ride the luxurious 51 and use a cellphone? The next time I find him outside Baja Fresh I'm going to ask if my money will be going towards his cellphone payments, since I thought he said he "needed money for a meal today".

Miss Crispy Schizophrenic

This is the crazy fit black lady who is found all around Berkeley either cussing wildly or having a conversation with some entity that does not exist. Fortunately, she does not participate in either of those activities with entities that do exist. Unlike the other homeless, she has a quite fit physique.

Angry Psychopath

Often times, there are just angry psychopaths that go madly yelling through the streets. They're sometimes dangerous, and should have priority in being locked up.

Some of these people are just really high on drugs, and look really freaky and scary.

Creepy Psychopath

This is the kind of guy who for some odd reason has not made it to the looney bin. He sits down next to you at your table at McDonalds, stares at you with tongue out & bloodshot eyes, takes a bite of your hamburger, licks your arm, and proceeds to bark (like a dog) and coo (like an out of tune bird).