El Cheapo Egoísta Con Orígenes Sefarditas y Escoceses

Mar 27 2007

I'm cheap! And selfish!

Well, there's probably a better word for it, and it's not exactly frugal/thrifty. More like a discerning capitalist who loves a good value. And I'm a selfish little bastard who will stop at nothing to line the piggy! Well, except get a job.

Anyway, there are two elements to this. I'll first define what I mean by "cheap" and second define how I got there.

CHEAP
I'm not cheap in the sense that I like cheap things, like two dollar whores and stuff from the dollar store. In fact, I'm very adamant about purchasing some high quality goods, especially those which retain their value, like houses, cars, investments, electronic stuff, etc. Well okay, cars and electronic stuff don't really retain their value, but I don't like shitty cars, and since I don't really care about music, I have the girlie-man IPod nano. And houses are of course, in theory, since I don't yet have the capability to purchase one of them...apart from a plot of land, a trailer, and a mule in Idaho.

However, the essence of my cheapness comes in demanding I find the absolute best deal on a product of ANY price range, and I spend an absurd amount of time mentally calculating which object to choose based on the maximum utility I will get out of the object for the absolute minimum price.

For example, let's say I go to McDonalds. I could get the BigMac meal for $4.99...but I ask, "Hmmm, is there any combination of objects I can order that will yield an equal or greater amount of taste, health, and volume utility for less than $4.99? Maybe I can enlist my dad to order me a senior drink I can refill 4 times?"

It can also be as simple as, "I can to go to two stores that have blueberry muffins. Store A has $1.10 blueberry muffins and is 700ft away, while Store B has $1.30 blueberry muffins and is 250ft away. Is 450 more feet of walking worth $0.20?"

I also like exact change and paying even dollar/quarter amounts. I'll become enfuriated if a purchase I'm making costs $1.26 and I have $6.25 and can't get that clean $5 back. While $4.99 is functionally $5, it will eat at me if I don't have my crisp $5, hence I use a credit card for most purchases and pay it off every month.

It also excites me greatly to hear of good deals, no matter what product and cost range they are in. My brain steps into a state of euphoria when I can get much more utility and value for a lesser price than I would have purchased that utility for anyway. That ranges from a good deal on a blueberry muffin to a deal on a nice computer to a new car, etc. In other words, I'm not averse to buying expensive things...I just like to get a good deal on them. And I hate buying things I don't need. Ugh!

I neurotically do all this with every purchase. It's real sick and sad, I know.

BACKGROUND/ORIGIN
My grandpa grew up during the great depression. He ended up making a lot of money with a successful company that distributed camera equipment, but always remained extremely frugal because of the GD terror in the back of his mind.

Consequently, my dad grew up with that same mentality, except reformed to a type of cheap like mine. He would never buy anything that wasn't a good deal, but would go all out when he found something HE thought was an exceptional deal. He's also very self-centered about his frugality, criticizing purchases that he doesn't value. In the 1980's, he would rail on my mom for her Salvadore Ferragamo shoes, while he bought a $15,000+ computer when computers were a joke. While I'm sure he got a good deal, he would be frustrated if my mom got an amazing deal on Salvadore Ferragamo shoes. If my mom didn't have her wonderful Pan Am job, her Salvadore Ferragamo spending would have been more severely reigned in.

Also ethnicity: I'm about 3.25% Scottish, so that's not really in play. But I probably do have a decent amount of Sephardic Jew.

"Hurry boobala, this nice shirt is on sale for $29.95, but I wonder if we can get that schmock to bargain down. [Sees the child underdressed]. Oh my Gawd boobala, put on ya sweater or ya gonna catch cold! Oh Gawd, the weather has been horrible! It must be the Republicans' fault."